i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
