wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
