well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
