Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
