my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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