My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can you repeat that, but with context?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
