I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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