I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
