i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
