Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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