oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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