Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
