Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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