Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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