I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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