I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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