i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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