I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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