And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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