Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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