have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
