If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
