My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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