I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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