Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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