We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
