I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
