We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
