Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
