That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
