Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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