remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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