so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
