The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
