i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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