Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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