She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
