turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
