You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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