dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
