I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
