Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
