alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
