Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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