Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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