I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
