i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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