Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
