omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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