I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
